back in sch..

was back in sch today to do work.. and I seriously did mean work.. been slacking since last friday, and I'd better get some stuff done before my "hectic" schedule starting from this sunday..

so well.. it was quiet in the room, it was really quiet.. but I'll get used to it, somehow.. and I coped pretty well I suppose.. I can get by, I'll juz have to hug the bitch while marking..

nothing much really, it juz felt good to actually get work done.. could have done more, but I'm glad.. so that being said, I sure hope I'll get more done tmr.. ugh..

I'm at peace with myself today.. unlike yesterday.. last night, was going through my older postings.. think they used to be of a much better quality than now.. now it's all emo and stuff.. I used to make more sense.. but ah well.. those were days where I still had energy to find inspiration.. these days, I hardly have the energy to drag myself to bed..

finally, thanks to all who have been so supportive these couple of weeks, with words, with actions.. like how I'll never truly understand what I've done for you, you'll never truly understand what all these mean to me, but suffice to say, it's more than you can imagine, so really, from deep deep within my heart, thank you. thank you.

Sch Hols..

so sch hols started last fri.. you left last fri as well.. sent u home frm sch for the last time, not the last time I send u home I hope though.. u told me u teared.. I felt what u were feeling too, I understand.. but don't worry, I'm sure as you move on, there are better things awaiting you.. and for someone like you, you really do deserve a lot a lot more.. juz remember that I once told you that I may not be the first you turn to, but when you are faced with the last few people you can turn to, I'll be one of them.. ok, enough of that.. I'm sure you know what I mean by now..

have spoken to many students, ex-students who have seen my previous posts.. and have found many different sources of inspiration.. from them telling me how good I've been, how they've enjoyed my classes, how I've made a difference, even to someone who I didn't teach.. I guess that really does give me the strength to carry on, but for how long I wonder.. but thanks, to all who have been so encouraging, whether directly or indirectly.. thanks.

headed back to Prive last night.. still quite in love with that place, especially when there's no crowd.. the tranquility, the peace, the serenity.. the waves gently lapping on the pier.. the music again was kinda loud, but I'm used to that I suppose.. but it's been a long time since I last been there, and I found again what attracted me to that place again and again and again.. the night air was refreshing, the view was great.. sitting by the edge of the boardwalk, juz chatting away.. really, it was so comfortable, so relaxing, that I really really forgot the time.. so once again, to whoever you are, sorry for keeping you out that late, but you were really good company, so yah, yeah.. hah.. thanks. =)

juz finished reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho.. meaningful book, really meaninful and beautiful, perhaps especially to me.. I seem to have my own zahir too, at different points of my life, they may be different, but the idea of it seems to be omnipresent in my life, and it's really interesting what the book talks about.. worth a read really.. especially if you're interested to read about love and all.. and discovering yourself.. shan't spoil it for you..

oh well, random ramblings again, but ah.. who cares..

GP MYE tmr..

went to sch today feeling that there was something to be done, and when it was finally done, I was glad, glad that you liked the stuff I got. it wasn't anything much really, but I hope that it means something to you still.

exam paper sorting this week meant I was away from my seat for quite some time, and your consults also meant that you were away. didn't get to talk much though I dearly wanted to. but yesterday was nice, probably the last time you'll sit in my corner in "ice-land". I like that feeling, I really do, and I'll always treasure it.

GP MYE is tmr.. I hope my desperate attempts at fire-fighting in the past 2 weeks will work somehow, and that the skills I tried to impart will somehow rub off on my kids. I know I haven't done a good job this term, and there's so much more that I could have done, and should have, but didn't. I'm sorry.

felt so bad that I spent about an hour coming up with that sample AQ answer which I hope would help somehow.. hopefully, my kids will somehow get an idea of what I was trying to get across and be able to do something..

GP MYE is tmr, but frankly, I'm not really concerned. My mind's not on it.. how can it be, if thoughts of you constantly fill my mind.. I hope somehow that you'll think of me too. I may not be wonderful, but I hope I've been good enough.

goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you'll be in my thoughts always, and you'll always have that special place in my heart, where not many have been, and where not many will stay.

sense of emptiness, sense of loneliness. I smile, but i cry inside. I joke with my kids in class, but it rings hollow within me. have this overwhelming urge to lay down and die. there's so much to do, so much I can do, but I'm so so tired, I just can't. I just don't want to anymore. Is this the sign? Can I just.. sigh.. Should I just.. sigh.. Maybe I should.. But yet I can't.. I'm dying inside, but can anyone see it? Can anyone feel it? but just let me be.. let it be..

Hold the Fort!!

I left before 3pm today.. I'm amazed.. I haven't left college on Fridays with the sun still shining brightly for a long long time, since the beginning of this year I suppose.. It felt good, yet it didn't feel right.. There was this overwhelming urge to pull on my soccer gear and step onto the pitch, ready for yet another training session, but it wasn't to be..

Oh well, that time will come soon, and I'd better take the time that I have to catch up on marking, lesson preparations, and recharging my batteries.. Guess I'll have to "hold the fort" until someone suitable comes along, as my boss puts it, so "hold the fort" I will for now.. This is a weary battle, and somehow, the end is not in sight.. The only end I see, is the end for me.. ugh..

Dedicated to Individual-S

We may not talk much when we see each other, but you're one of the few I always look out for when I log on. Thanks. It's always a pleasure talking to you online. It's really students like you who keep me going, and the things you tell me. THANKS, really. You'll never know how much it means to me.

What now?

today was weird.. woke up feeling rather energetic, probably the fact that I slept early the previous night helped.. was juz so damn tired that I didn't mark anything at all, even though I got home super early.. but oh well.. at least I got my rest..

so well, as I was saying, felt rather energetic, but yet had that hollow, empty feeling in me.. So got to school with an "artificial high" or sort of.. day started off pretty fine, did some marking, then had meeting, then did some more marking.. which is amazing, coz I haven't done so much for so long.. yup.. been feeling that jaded..

then class was.. I don't know.. I felt good today coz I talked for almost 3 periods, non-stop.. not an ideal way of teaching, but i felt that sense of satisfaction rising in me again, that I was really giving my all again in class.. ok, maybe not my all all, but it's closer to the standard that I'm happy with, and that was a really good feeling..

maybe, just maybe, that little bit of passion left inside, which is still trying hard to burn, may spark into flame again, and get me going, but I'm really so so tired.. and after the class, I literally juz stood there for at least half a minute, too tired to consider what to do next.. And what happened next was that the feeling of emptiness just came back again.. Sometimes, I feel close to the students, yet at times, they seem so distant.. I don't know..

Seriously, I've never come to a point where I really consider if I'll be around after 3 years.. This is probably the first time, and I do remember telling myself that the day I totally lose that passion, that desire to go into class and teach, I'll quit.. I came dangerously close this past couple of weeks, and I don't know.. Should I, shouldn't I? What now?

Goodbye A Div 2008

Today was the last match of our involvement in A Div 2008.. it's been a long journey, some of the guys I've been training/training with since last January, while others, last December, while some others, this year.. thanks guys, for all the effort, the sweat and the blood.. the season may not have been ideal, but I'm sure that you guys stood up to be counted like I asked you to some time ago..

It has been a great experience, great fun too training with you people, that crazy bunch who gave more than your fair share of trouble really, but hey, what's a soccer team that doesn't get into trouble once in a while? =p

So well guys, it's the end of the journey for many of you, and the return to the original one of the A Levels.. work hard guys.. much as you were important to the team, I don't wish to see you playing for me again in next year's A Div.. I would welcome you back to train with us, but please don't come back for another season..

Frankly, the sense of loss and the sense that something is missing doesn't just apply to you guys, it applies to me too.. I've been through the mud bath at Pasir Ris, the padi field at Tampines, the cat sh*t patch, and the new turf, and I'm going to miss it all as much as you guys will.. Only thing is, I'll go through it all again come November.. It'll be a new batch, and I hope they will be as outstanding as you guys have been..

And to my 3 keepers, 4 in fact, thanks for the great times and the memories, of times spent diving and sliding in the mud, of knocks, sprained thumbs, dislocated shoulders, basketball catches and of course, basketball soccer.. oops.. sorry sorry sorry hor.. =P

Thanks for the memories guys, from the other teacher who never talks much..

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

Back maybe?

It's been almost a year.. It's been a long time.. It's been a trying time, and still is.. Many emotions that were long kept away were relived in this past year, some good, some bad, many to be treasured, many to be forgotten.. One year is a long time, and yet, one year is such a short time too..

I don't know what got me back here again to start posting again.. perhaps looking at a certain someone's blog and how it somehow reaches out to me without actually talking to me.. perhaps I'm at the stage again where I need somewhere to park my emotions..

Been keeping a lot inside me, been bottling it all up.. The smiling face that greets you everyday is a front, and I suppose good enough to convince many that I'm fine, but I know I'm not.. I don't feel right.. I'm jaded..

Worrying thoughts.. recently I actually entertained the thoughts of leaving.. before my 3 years are up.. It's just the combination of so many things, things that happened, that are happening, that will happen, and there's really just so much that one can bottle away, and I think I've filled my fair share of bottles..

I'm kind of alternating between extreme moods, and the dark side seems to be prevailing a little more that the cheerful side.. so much so that people are asking me why I'm like wearing my grumpy mask, and someone even told me that she noticed that I've been smiling less.. Well, to be honest, I'm almost at a point where I can't even be bothered to hide how I feel anymore..

Ok.. very very random.. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, but that's really what's in me now.. Conflicting thoughts, and courses of actions that contradict one another.. perhaps the june hols will come in good time for me.. I hope..

Goodbye my lover.. Goodbye my friend.. You have been the one, you have been the one for me.. To you: Whether you see this or not,I really wanna just tell you that you can never imagine how your appearing in my life has helped me so so much, and I can't even start trying to relate that to you.. It's almost time for you to leave, and I'm happy coz you're off to a better place, but I'm really really going to miss you so so much.. Goodbye my lover.. Goodbye my friend.. You have been the one, you have been the one for me..