Special Dedications..

It's been a long time since my last time here, was wondering whether to let it die a natural death, where it slowly just fades away from everyone's memory, but decided to revive it again for a while at least..

It's been a hectic first 2 terms again, soccer, marking, timetabling and what not, and can't quite say that I coped well.. I can do better, I know.. Things have happened, some good, some bad, one really wonderful..

Soccer season finally ended, it was close, but not close enough, and honestly, I was really won over by the boys towards the end, where we really played attractively, but it was perhaps a step too high for us to reach.. Nevertheless, I'm really proud of what you guys have achieved, and especially to my keeper, it's been a joy coaching you, even though you still do give us heart attacks and heart aches at times, but it really fills me with pride, seeing you grow in stature and confidence, upping your game, and performing when called upon. At least you made me feel that all the time and effort, the sweat and the hours under the sun, were all worth it, and I hope that you'll take this with you in life, that if you have the belief, you will do it. Really appreciate the quiet thank you after the final game too, for that really warmed my heart. So, thank you too, Ras. I'll miss that silly smile of yours.

And thank you too, Khy and JX, for playing wonderful supporting roles, helping out, training. You guys take the tiredness away from a whole work day, and you'll never understand how great it feels to be there, with you guys on the pitch, diving, falling, laughing.. Especially JX, you are one clumsy oaf, and a constant source of entertainment.. Looking forward to *kicap* you when training resumes.. But on a more serious note, you have the potential, and I'm sure you'll do me proud come next year, so work hard..

So soccer's done and dusted, this season at least, not even sure if I'll be there for the next, I sure hope so. It's like my life blood in school, the one thing that I look forward to, even if it means Mon, Wed, Fri evenings are all taken up.. It's a feeling that I missed since my own training days, and this really gives me true joy..

On another note altogether, teaching has been good too, and though at times I really do feel jaded and feel like I need a change, there are still occassions where things just happen and it makes it all worthwhile again.. Thank you, especially, to the bunch of 08S19s, for you make it worth the waking up @ 545 every weekday morning.. There are times where you guys irritate the shit out of me, but I'm thankful still, for you bunch, and I know that I'll miss you too when it's time to leave..

I feel that I'm really drifting away from people at school.. colleagues especially, ever since the beginning of this year, when half the staff team disappeared.. I miss the weekly sessions on Thursdays, where the bunch of us would get together and play, and have dinner after.. You guys were a great team, and though we never really achieved much, it was still great to have played together, and we should really really get back again someday just for old times sake..

To the 4 "stars", it was great meeting up with you gals again, this time, for the first time, for dinner @ Kovan, where we got some unfriendly stares from the staff for staying too long, but hey, who cares, as long as we are having fun.. It's nice to be remembered, and even though I'm still unsure as to why I had such an impact, I'm glad I did.. Thank you, for remembering, and all the best, as you step upon your tentative steps in uni.. I'm sure each and everyone of you will do well, and I look forward to meeting up again soon..

Finally, to YOU, my baby.. This is for you. I thank you, for accepting me for who I am, "lame" and lame. Words will never be able to fully describe what I feel for you, so I guess you'll have to interpret them from my actions instead, and I hope I have lived up to expectations so far.. You have been wonderful, and perhaps, like you said, we were meant to meet.. It really just feels that right, and I hope it feels that right to you too.. Tmr's a big day, but I'm kinda looking forward to it too, just hope that I don't screw up.. *stress* lol.. I love you.

2009.. January..

so 2009 is here without much fanfare.. the new year came and went in a quiet hotel on Catba Island, somewhere in Halong Bay.. how I wish I was back there again.. sometimes things in life just make you wish that you had a simple, carefree life instead, that even if it means not being able to afford the luxuries in life, you'd take it, no questions asked..

so well, I suppose you figure that the start of 2009 isn't exactly fantastic, that the first two weeks back at work has been.. demoralizing to say the least.. not the kids, they're great, I think, at least for now, but other things that have been happening..

busy as usual, maybe because I can't prioritize what needs to be done first, but well, that's really not in me.. just somehow always seem to want to give my all in all that has to be done, and that really, can be a weakness sometimes.. sometimes.. when things seem to overwhelm you and you just wish you would take a step back and decide that certain things perhaps aren't that worth doing after all..

I realise I do miss being in a classroom, standing there in front of the 20 or so who look expectantly at you, hoping that you perform miracles for them.. I'm sorry, but I'm no miracle worker, I do only what I can and I know I do have my own inadequacies which I try to make up for in other ways.. But the feeling of being back there, of seeing some of them finally seeing the light.. I guess that's what keeps you going, that's what's keeping me going at the moment..

And of course, training has been enjoyable thus far, though there's still so much more that needs to be done to get them ready by March/April.. But that's another thing altogether.. let's just hope that the time and effort put in will reap results..

As usual, I've gone on about everything and anything, without divulging much, but guess that's the way it is, that putting in words what you feel is comforting, yet you don't want to get into trouble, or more trouble than you already are in.. oh well, life's not great, could be better, but could be a lot worse too.. so yeah, press on, for those whose future seems not so bright.. for though it may not be that bright, it perhaps is already brighter than where you have come from, and for that, be thankful..

2008

As the year draws to a close, perhaps it's time to reflect on what has been an exceptionally long year, or so it seems.. so many things seemed to have happened from last year till now, and as 2008 is about to become history, I just had this sudden urge to log in again and post..

frankly, so many things have happened this year, some good, some bad.. friends around me have things happening to them to, marriages, new relationships, break-ups.. at 28 really, when people look to settle down and all, it seems that things just get more complicated.. and it's not like getting married and settling down is the end of the story..

so well, congrats to those who have embarked on their new journeys, for those who have ended their journey one way or another, don't be too upset, coz new journeys are there waiting, new chapters waiting to be written..

school has been quite crazy this year too, workload was seriously heavy at times, but I coped.. not too well at times, and there have been occassions that have driven me beyond bearable limits, but I'm still hanging around.. thankfully or not, I'm not sure.. 08S19 has been a joy and a pain all at the same time.. don't think I've ever done so much for a class, don't think I'll ever do it again, but who knows.. this might be the first and last class that I see graduate from JC..

been talking to people.. the ones who have broken up are upset.. the ones who are attached are unsure.. emotions sure screw people upside down at times, and can be so fucking complicated.. really, why bother sometimes.. but yet, we put ourselves through all that.. is it because of social conditioning that we think that we must have someone to love, and have someone love us, and hopefully, to simplify matters, that the someone is the same person?

people have told me too that I seem aloof at times, "dao", not sociable, anti-social, that I do things rather "alone", and all.. and maybe, more and more, I do feel that way too.. i love being with my friends, my bros, but yet, even at times when hanging out, I feel like I shut myself off, i'm off in another zone of my own, and i do enjoy that solitary silence that i find.. i don't know..

there have been many things this year that I did and know I shouldn't have, but there were others that I was glad I did.. I think that's normal.. perhaps it isn't, but I don't really care.. i've always been more guided by emotions, and though this may be bad, it's not necessarily a weakness too.. so well..

ah.. another random post with random thoughts.. rather like the past couple of posts, if I remember correctly.. i don't know.. i'm probably just as confused in life as many of my peers are.. mid-life crisis perhaps? haha.. oh well.. 2009, here I come..

Random..

juz had this overwhelming desire to blog.. to let things out, though I'm so far behind everything that I shldn't be here.. but who gives a fuck.. I'm tired, I need a fucking break, and really, yeah..

been busy the past couple of weeks/months, especially so in the past week where I had to prepare for lecture and all.. so yeah, gave my first two lectures, which were pure crap I think.. never been one who enjoys giving a lecture.. prepare slides, ok.. prepare slideshow, ok.. prepare notes, resource package, everything else, ok.. but not stand in front of 200+ people and talk.. it's juz not me.. but I have to do it..

early last week, a friend of mine sent an 'inspirational e-mail' titled 1000 marbles.. (read it here) which is basically about getting one's priorities right, especially in a world where everyone is busy with work and not spending enough time with the family and all.. was good and all, and it kinda inspired me to do something for the 14 kids, which I eventually did, on a whim.. something titled 35 sweets (not that original, but heck) and was meant to inspire them to start studying and all..

now that I think of it, I don't really know why I did it.. was it because I really wanted to inspire them, or was it because I felt that I haven't done much at all as a CT this year.. haven't really been that concerned about them, haven't really been following up on cases that I really should have, and therefore, hopefully, do something that eases my guilt a little.. I really don't know..

well, not sure too what kind of effect it would have.. hopefully, it'll be another source of inspiration for them to work hard.. somehow, though I haven't spent that much time with them, I feel quite close to some of them, not all, but some.. and I really really cannot imagine what would happen if the class is disbanded coz people get retained and all.. I haven't brought a civics class up to year 2 before, and it looks likely that I would, this class may cease to exist.. ha.. irony huh?

so well.. that's that.. been looking around at options.. JET program looks really cool at the moment, and may just tempt me, come next year, but that's really tentative at the moment.. do I really want to stay in teaching, or do I want to do something else totally different? I really don't know, and I really don't have the time nor the energy to entertain such thoughts at the moment.. sigh..

on another note totally, ever wondered if it pays to be nice to someone? it's like.. are you being nice because you are, or because you want to? and if it's coz you want to, is it that you simply want it to be appreciated, or that you want it to be reciprocated in some way? and if it's because you want it to be reciprocated in some way, but things don't go your way, do you then stop being nice, or what?

sometimes it's just so tiring.. true, there weren't any promises, but surely, it should mean something, or perhaps I should just not do anything anymore? sigh.. not a good time to be thinking of such things, when there's so much else to be done.. but how to help it? how to not think of it? sigh.. this sucks.. having emotions suck.. sometimes I really wish I can be emotionless again, shutting myself up back within that protective shell, not feeling, not caring.. but I'm afraid of that me, of being someone who doesn't care, who doesn't feel anymore.. coz if that's the life I have to lead, why bother?

so very random, so very dark.. but when there's no light at the end of the tunnel, what else would you expect but darkness anyway? ha.. fuck it.. back to the WRs.. many many more to go.. woohoo..

Distracted again.. and again..

supposed to be doing work now, but ugh.. juz can't seem to focus on it.. doesn't help that it's due yesterday.. or a couple of weeks/months back.. but can't delay anymore.. so yeah.. gotta finish it.. but somehow.. juz decided to log in to post a couple of photos that I took during the week.. so well.. yeah.. another late night.. hah..
i think i deserve my panda eyes.. oh well..

Another photo..

thought this was a rather nice photo as well.. yup.. (:

Doomsday!

Photo taken during Road Run 2008.. Weather was rather horrible, but created a nice 'Doomsday' atmosphere.. ha.. (:

juz a random thought..

sometimes in life, we think too much of the past, and we yearn for what we had, think of what might have been.. yet other times, we look to the future, picture what we want, and try to attain what may be impossible..

why not take a look at what's presently around you, and appreciate what you have, for what you have now, may not last, and yet may be the best thing that might be for you..

if you keep your mind closed because of what might have been, or what may be, things may never be.. stop and smell the roses.. the blooms will not last forever..

Term 3 underway..

it's been some time.. but i was busy the past 2 weeks paying back for my indiscretion during the June hols.. so instead of doing 3 essay scripts a day, I paid back with like 15 a day, at least.. with sch in the morning as well.. so well.. that's done then, but still owe tonnes of other stuff that needs to be cleared.. ugh..

so, nothing new in my life really, other than the fact that jap classes started when term started.. kinda regretting it at the moment, what with the busy schedule and all, and classes take up 2 weekday nights, which leaves me with precious little.. ah..

met up with a certain bitch last nite, it was nice.. always nice to bitch with the THE BITCH, though bitchy is not that bad a replacement at times.. good to hear that you're well, and that you're doing ok.. I'm glad.. you deserve nice things happening to you..

so well, that's that at the moment.. I'm still entertaining thoughts of leaving actually, and I suppose this term and next will affect my decision at the end of the year, but now, I do feel that slight bit of motivation coming back, and hopefully, it will stay on for a while longer, long enough before everything else saps it away again.. *fingers crossed*