Random..

juz had this overwhelming desire to blog.. to let things out, though I'm so far behind everything that I shldn't be here.. but who gives a fuck.. I'm tired, I need a fucking break, and really, yeah..

been busy the past couple of weeks/months, especially so in the past week where I had to prepare for lecture and all.. so yeah, gave my first two lectures, which were pure crap I think.. never been one who enjoys giving a lecture.. prepare slides, ok.. prepare slideshow, ok.. prepare notes, resource package, everything else, ok.. but not stand in front of 200+ people and talk.. it's juz not me.. but I have to do it..

early last week, a friend of mine sent an 'inspirational e-mail' titled 1000 marbles.. (read it here) which is basically about getting one's priorities right, especially in a world where everyone is busy with work and not spending enough time with the family and all.. was good and all, and it kinda inspired me to do something for the 14 kids, which I eventually did, on a whim.. something titled 35 sweets (not that original, but heck) and was meant to inspire them to start studying and all..

now that I think of it, I don't really know why I did it.. was it because I really wanted to inspire them, or was it because I felt that I haven't done much at all as a CT this year.. haven't really been that concerned about them, haven't really been following up on cases that I really should have, and therefore, hopefully, do something that eases my guilt a little.. I really don't know..

well, not sure too what kind of effect it would have.. hopefully, it'll be another source of inspiration for them to work hard.. somehow, though I haven't spent that much time with them, I feel quite close to some of them, not all, but some.. and I really really cannot imagine what would happen if the class is disbanded coz people get retained and all.. I haven't brought a civics class up to year 2 before, and it looks likely that I would, this class may cease to exist.. ha.. irony huh?

so well.. that's that.. been looking around at options.. JET program looks really cool at the moment, and may just tempt me, come next year, but that's really tentative at the moment.. do I really want to stay in teaching, or do I want to do something else totally different? I really don't know, and I really don't have the time nor the energy to entertain such thoughts at the moment.. sigh..

on another note totally, ever wondered if it pays to be nice to someone? it's like.. are you being nice because you are, or because you want to? and if it's coz you want to, is it that you simply want it to be appreciated, or that you want it to be reciprocated in some way? and if it's because you want it to be reciprocated in some way, but things don't go your way, do you then stop being nice, or what?

sometimes it's just so tiring.. true, there weren't any promises, but surely, it should mean something, or perhaps I should just not do anything anymore? sigh.. not a good time to be thinking of such things, when there's so much else to be done.. but how to help it? how to not think of it? sigh.. this sucks.. having emotions suck.. sometimes I really wish I can be emotionless again, shutting myself up back within that protective shell, not feeling, not caring.. but I'm afraid of that me, of being someone who doesn't care, who doesn't feel anymore.. coz if that's the life I have to lead, why bother?

so very random, so very dark.. but when there's no light at the end of the tunnel, what else would you expect but darkness anyway? ha.. fuck it.. back to the WRs.. many many more to go.. woohoo..